George Carlin Quotes

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?  Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth.  Deal with it.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called "tourist season" if we can't shoot at them?
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".
If spin an Asian person around several times, does he become disoriented?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
When someone says, "A penny for your thoughts", and you put inyour two cents, what happens to the other penny?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
If a person who plays the piano is a pianist, is a person who drives a race car a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why are "overlook" and "oversee" opposites?
"I am" is said to be the shortest sentence in the English language.  Perhaps "I do" is the longest sentence.
What hair color do they put on the driver licenses of bald men?
I've noticed that mothers feed their babies with tiny spoons.  What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.  The mime next door went nuts.
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, can't electricians be,delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, dry cleaners depressed, baseball players debased, landscapers deflowered, bulldozer operators degraded, organ donors delivered, hardware engineers detested, underwear manufacturers debriefed, music writers decomposed, and politicians devoted?