PARAPROSDOKIANS

• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
• War does not determine who is right—only who is left.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see them tumble down the stairs.
• I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
• Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
• Behind every successful man is a woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
• Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department usually uses water.
• You're never too old to learn something stupid.
• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
• If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
• The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.