YOU'RE A REDNECK IF...
- Your front porch collapses and you kill more than six
dogs
- You think potted meat and saltines are an hors d'ouvre
- There is a stuffed possum mounted anywhere in your house
- You consider a six-pack of beer and watching a bug-zapper
quality entertainment
- Less than half of the cars you own run
- Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips
before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass
- The main color of your car is "primer"
- You honestly think women are turned on by animal voices
and seductive tongue gestures
- Your family tree doesn't fork
- Your wife's hairdo has ever been caught in a ceiling fan
- Your mother has ever been involved in a fist fight at a
high school sports event
- You've ever barbecued spam on the grill
- Your brother-in-law is your uncle
- You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey
& the Bandit was snubbed for best picture
- The rear tires on your care are twice as wide as the
front ones
- You consider True Story or Field &
Stream deep reading
- You prominently display a gift you purchased at Graceland
- The diploma hanging in your den includes the words
"Trucking Institute"
- Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board
- You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding
- The most common phrase heard at your family reunion is
"What the hell you looking at, Shithead?"
- You think beef sticks and moon pies are two of the major
food groups
- You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior
- You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention
of all time
- You have a rag for a gas cap
- You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding
pictures were taken
- You've ever used a weed eater indoors
- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand
- You wait to break wind in bed so you can fan the covers
on your spouse
- You've ever used lard in bed
- You have a fly-strip hanging above the kitchen table
- Your matchbook doubles as a toothpick