YOU'RE A REDNECK IF...

-  Your front porch collapses and you kill more than six dogs
-  You think potted meat and saltines are an hors d'ouvre
-  There is a stuffed possum mounted anywhere in your house
-  You consider a six-pack of beer and watching a bug-zapper quality entertainment
-  Less than half of the cars you own run
-  Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass
-  The main color of your car is "primer"
-  You honestly think women are turned on by animal voices and seductive tongue gestures
-  Your family tree doesn't fork
-  Your wife's hairdo has ever been caught in a ceiling fan
-  Your mother has ever been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event
-  You've ever barbecued spam on the grill
-  Your brother-in-law is your uncle
-  You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey & the Bandit was snubbed for best picture
-  The rear tires on your care are twice as wide as the front ones
-  You consider True Story or Field & Stream deep reading
-  You prominently display a gift you purchased at Graceland
-  The diploma hanging in your den includes the words "Trucking Institute"
-  Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board
-  You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding
-  The most common phrase heard at your family reunion is "What the hell you looking at, Shithead?"
-  You think beef sticks and moon pies are two of the major food groups
-  You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior
-  You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time
-  You have a rag for a gas cap
-  You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken
-  You've ever used a weed eater indoors
-  Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand
-  You wait to break wind in bed so you can fan the covers on your spouse
-  You've ever used lard in bed
-  You have a fly-strip hanging above the kitchen table
-  Your matchbook doubles as a toothpick

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